Pleasing People by Lou Priolo

The following several posts are basically the outline of the book entitled "Pleasing People, How Not to be an "Approval Junkie" by Lou Priolo. It was a great book to read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who knows that they need to revolutionize their thinking into being more heavenly minded and less earthly focused. It certainly stabs at our natural tendency to make people into idols, and replaces those idols with the only One who satisfies.

Pride Comes Before a Fall

Pride is the delusion that your achievements are primarily the results of our your own doing. If you are prideful you will esteem yourself above and beyond the condition and proportion that God has appointed for you. And not only esteem yourself, but you will desire to be esteemed by others and desire to be exalted above and beyond what God has given you. Pride will manifest itself in your life in many ways:

• Boasting about and taking credit for your wisdom, abilities, and gifts as though they were acquired primarily by self-effort.
• Selfishly using for your own glory and benefit the wisdom, abilities, and gifts that God has given you for His glory and the benefit of others.
• Viewing God in such a way as to think He was made for your pleasure rather than vice versa (making God as a means to an end rather than worshiping Him as the sovereign Creator and Sustainer of the universe).
• Having a greater desire to be loved by others than for others to love God (wanting others to love you more than they love God).
• Having a greater dependence on self than on God’s grace and provision.
• Resorting to defensiveness, blame-shifting, justification, or anger when lawfully reproved by another.
• Having a censorious, critical, condemning, accusing, judgmental attitude toward others, especially those in position of authority.
• Being more prone to command than to obey, to teach than to be taught, to speak than to listen.
• Having little or no respect for authority in general.
• Becoming impatient or upset when contradicted in speech, especially publicly.
• When wronged, being unwilling to forgive an offender who has not demonstrated extreme submission or repentance.
• Investing more resources to establish your own honor than to establish God’s honor.
• Being unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Being inordinately curious about those things that you do not have a biblical need to know.
• Being discontented with your position in life.
• Being ungrateful for God’s mercies.
• Failing to pray.
• Being insensible to the dangers of temptation (being self-confident about handling temptation).
• Being oversensitive to correction.
• Having difficulty in being pleasing (because of excessively high expectations-aka perfectionism).

We are all very prideful people, whether we want to believe it or not. And pride, although it may sound contradictory, is the very source of our "people-pleasing" problems.

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007), 109-124.

The Characteristics of a People Pleaser... Guilty as Charged

Not only does the people-pleaser love the wrong thing (the approval of man rather than the approval of God), he fears the wrong thing as well—he fears the disapproval of man more than the disapproval of God. (Priolo, 23)

1. He fears the displeasure of man more than the displeasure of God. This is manifested by thoughts such as the following:

• I’m not prepared to meet this person.
• What does he think of me?
• I’ll probably make a fool of myself.
• I can’t reveal too much of myself or he will know what I’m really like and reject me.
• I can’t bear the thought of being hurt again.
• I have to get away from this person as quickly as possible.
• I have to be careful not to say anything that might get me into a conflict.

2. He desires the praise of man above the praise of God.
3. He studies what it takes to please man as much as (if not more than) what it takes to please God.
4. His speech is designed to entice and flatter others into thinking well of him.

• Rarely confronts sin in the life of another believer.
• Rarely challenges or even questions the opinion of others.
• Prematurely terminates conflicts (usually by yielding, withdrawing, or changing the subject).
• Rarely reveals to others the truth about who he really is inside (especially his struggles with sin.)
• Steers conversations away from those topics that might cause others to realize what he is really like inside.
• Shades the truth (lies) in order “not to offend others.”
• Finds clever ways to subtly introduce his accomplishments into conversations.
• Fishes for compliments.
• Listens attentively when others talk of things that displease them (so as not to say or do anything that might result in rejection).
• Frequently puts himself down in the hope that others will disagree with his purposely exaggerated negative self-assessment.
• Finds it difficult to say “no” to those who make requests of him, even when he knows that saying “yes” will not be the best choice.

5. He is a respecter of persons. (Shows partiality or favortism.)
6. He is oversensitive to correction, reproof, and other allusions of dissatisfaction or disapproval on the part of others.
7. He outwardly renders eye service to man rather than inwardly rendering sincere (from the heart) ministry to the Lord.
8. He selfishly uses the wisdom, abilities, and gifts that have been given to him for God’s glory and the benefit of others for his own glory and personal benefit.

• Personal Wealth
• Physical Beauty
• Spiritual Gifts
• Wisdom
• Honor of One’s Vocation
• Artistic Ability
• Athletic Ability
• Verbal Ability
• Musical Ability
• Intellectual Ability
• Financial Status
• Family Heritage
• Position in the Community
• Position at Work
• Bible Knowledge
• Managerial Skill
• Good Reputation
• Spiritual Accomplishments
• Location of One’s Home
• Appearance of One’s Home
• Accomplishments of Children
• Worldly Possession

9. He invests more of his personal resources in establishing his own honor than he does in establishing God’s honor.
10. He is discontented with the condition and proportion that God has appointed for him.

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007), 22-36.

The Dangers of Being a People Pleaser

1. Inordinate people-pleasing brings you into bondage by enslaving you to everyone whom you desire to please.
2. The excessive love of praise takes from you the honor you so eagerly seek.
3. Immoderate people-pleasing causes you to lose eternal rewards.
4. The inordinate desire for approval blinds you to your own sin.
5. Pride tempts you to exaggerate your virtues.
6. Pride tempts you to minimize your flaws.
7. Pride tempts you to distort and magnify the seriousness of your flaws.
8. Pride tempts you to change things in your life according to man’s priorities rather than the agenda of the Holy Spirit.
9. Pride focuses your attention on changing the outer man more than the inner man.
10. An excessive love of praise tempts you to believe man’s opinion of yourself over God’s opinion.
11. The inordinate desire for approval makes you susceptible to flattery and renders you more vulnerable to deception and manipulation from others.
12. The inordinate desire for approval makes the people-pleaser susceptible to many other sinful temptations.

• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to say “yes” when he ought to say “no.”
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to be a respecter of persons (to show partiality).
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to give in to peer pressure.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to be indecisive.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to choose the wrong kinds of friends for the wrong reasons.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to discontentment and greed.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to be timid about sharing his faith.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to hypocrisiy.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to respond defensively when reproved by others.
• The love of approval tempts the people-pleaser to loquaciousness (opening his mouth before engaging his brain).

13. Immoderate people-pleasing robs the approval-seeker of his peace and joy.


Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007), 51-82.

You Can't Please All of the People Even Some of the Time

1. It is fruitless to try to please men because each person is different and therefore, by pleasing some, you will inevitably displease others.
2. It is unrealistic to try to please people because selfishness distorts their thinking and raises their expectations above that which you can reasonably fulfill.
3. It is futile to try to please people because most of them are unregenerate and believe you to be “foolish” and “strange.”
4. It is unreasonable to try to please people because even among Christians, judgmental attitudes and critical spirits are all too prevalent.
5. It is futile to try to please people because even Jesus Christ, the Perfect Man, did not please everyone.
6. It is useless to try to please people because they are fundamentally incapable of being pleased by anyone or anything other than Christ.

But You Can Please God

It’s not enough for you to simply stop being a people-pleaser. The biblical process of change (putting off and putting on – Eph. 4:22ff.) requires not only that you break your unbiblical patterns of thinking, but also that you replace them with their proper alternatives. Fear of man for fear of God. Desire to please man above all else for the desire to please God above all else…(95).

Therefore we also have as our ambition [make it our aim],
whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him. (2 Corinthians 5:9).

1. You have only one Master to please rather than many.
2. The One you please is wiser than man and will neither misunderstand you nor treat you unreasonably.
3. The One you please will judge you not on outward appearance, but on that which is in your heart.
4. The One you please is not a respecter of persons (undue and unfair partiality).
5. The One you please is immutable (His mind never changes).
6. The One you please does not require you to harm yourself in order to please him, but is pleased only with those things that will ultimately lead to your own happiness.
7. The One you please will not be influenced by talebearers, gossips, or false accusers. Neither will he be misled by misinformation.

Your primary calling in life is to please and glorify God in all that you do. The knowledge that you are walking worthy of the Lord, pleasing him in all respects (cf. Col. 1:10), should be a source of peace, security, joy, and contentment that will prevail over any fear of man’s disapproval. If God is pleased with your life, what does it matter if man is displeased? God’s approval and favor is a sufficient reward (Priolo, 107).

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007), 83-107.

Characteristics of a God-Pleaser

1. He realizes that he cannot please God apart from being a Christian.
2. He studies the Scriptures to understand exactly what it takes to please God.
3. In everything he does, he is conscious of pleasing God. For instance a People-Pleaser might think the following thoughts, versus a God Pleaser who thinks:

• What will others think if I do this? -vs- What will God think if I do this?
• Will I fail? vs. How will God be glorified if I fail?
• How can I make him love me? -vs- How can I show Christ’s love to him?
• Am I as pretty as she? -vs- Am I as godly as Christ?
• Will being his friend improve my image? -vs- Will being his friend glorify God?
• How can I keep him from rejecting me? -vs- How can I minister to him?
• Will I embarrass myself? -vs- Will I sin against God?
• What do my friends expect me to do? -vs- What does the Bible say I should do?

4. When he pleases people, he does so out of loving motives, not selfish ones. Especially in relation to giving, a People-Pleaser might have the following motives, versus the motives of a God-Pleaser:

• To boost his reputation -vs- To obey God, to show love to God
• To be commended -vs- To glorify God
• To be seen differently than he really is -vs- To minister to others
• To gain some other temporal reward -vs- To gain eternal rewards
• To avoid conflict -vs- To bring about peace
• To avoid rejection -vs- To show love to others
• To receive honor -vs- To worship God
• To receive praise -vs- To express gratitude to God
• To edify himself -vs- To edify another

5. He knows that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” Therefore, when it comes to relationships with other people, the God-Pleaser will avoid the following thoughts, and replace them with...

• I wonder what he’ll think of me. -vs- I wonder what his needs are.
• I’d better not let him get too close to me. -vs- Maybe I can be a good influence on him.
• If he gets too close, he’ll realize I’m not perfect and then he’ll reject me. -vs- What matters is not what he thinks of me but how I can minister to him.
• I’ve got to keep him from finding out about my problems. -vs- I wonder if he has any problems that I can help him solve God’s way?
• I’ll probably make a fool of myself. -vs- If I make a fool of myself, so be it. I’m more concerned about meeting his needs than I am about what he thinks of me.

6. He considers amending not only his actions, but also his thoughts and motives.

• What can I wear to the party that will not make me look fat? -vs- To whom can I minister at this party?
• I don’t smoke, drink, chew, or go with girls who do. -vs- My goal is to do nothing that will harm my body (the Holy Spirit’s temple) or bring reproach to the name of Christ.
• My pastor will be disappointed if he finds out that I went to that movie. -vs- I will not go to any movie that will violate my conscience.
• I’ve got to do my homework if I don’t want to be embarrassed. -vs- I’ve got to do my homework if I want to be a faithful steward.
• I’ve got to go read by Bible now because it’s late and my parents expect me to read it every day. -vs- I’m going to try to read my Bible every day because it’s so vital to my spiritual growth.
• I’ve got to learn how to stop putting my foot in my mouth. -vs- What is it in my heart that tempts me to say such foolish thing? Or: What can I say that will edify others or bring glory to God?

7. He is concerned about fulfilling not only his public duties but also his private ones.

The person who loves God’s approval does not put all his spiritual energies into doing public duties (corporate worship, teaching, Sunday school, Bible studies, evangelistic outreach, showing hospitality, etc.). He budgets his time so as to discharge his private obligations as well.

Behind closed doors, he worships God, thanking Him for who He is and for all He has done. He confesses his sin to God, and repents of it. He agonizes in intercessory prayer. He gives of his money and material possessions in secret (if not anonymously). When he fasts, he does so in such a way that no one will know that he’s up to. He prepares his heart for worship before he goes to church. He reads and studies his Bible regularly. He meditates on Scripture. He cooperates with the Holy Spirit in the sanctification process. He cares for his soul and for the souls of those for whom he is responsible. And if anyone tries to pressure him into additional public service, he will not accept it if, in his heart, he knows it will keep him from fulfilling his private obligations.

Moreover, he behaves in an upright way when he is in his own home. His attitude is, “I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart” (Ps. 101:2b). He flees temptation, resists the devil, and controls his temper and his appetites when no one is around just as he does when people are looking. (Priolo, 140)

8. He is more concerned with what God sees in his heart than what man sees in his appearance.
9. He programs his conscience by the Bible rather than by the culture.
10. He does not shy away from necessary conflict or confrontation.
11. He does not worry or fret when he displeases people if, by so doing, he pleases God.

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007)127-146.

What Exactly Does it Take to Please God?

Faith - The faith that pleases God is a dependent faith.

By faith Enoch was taken up so that he would not see death; and he was not found because God took him up; for he obtained the witness that before his being taken up he was pleasing to God. And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. (Heb. 11:5-6)

Walking with Him - Your walk refers to your daily pattern of conduct.

Then Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters. So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years. Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him. (Gen. 5:22-24)

Sanctification (holiness) - Become increasingly set apart (dedicated) to Him; progressively freer from sin; increasingly characterized by love for God and neighbor.

Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you excel still more. For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality ... (1 Thess. 4:1-3)

Your Cooperation - It is our responsibility to actively participate in the work of progressive sanctification.

So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. (Phil. 2:12-13)

Doing Good Works - Godly actions motivated by a love for God and neighbor are the essence of good works.

For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God ... (Col. 1:9-10)

Knowledge and Wisdom - Knowledge is not "facts to be learned" but rather "truth to be lived." Jesus did not instruct His disciples to know His commandments, but rather "to observe all that I commanded you."

In Gibeon the Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream at night; and God said, "Ask what you wish me to give you." Then Solomon said, "You have shown great lovingkindness to your servant David my father, according as he walked before You in truth and righteousness and uprightness of heart toward You; and You have reserved for him this great lovingkindness, that You have given him a son to sit on his throne, as it is this day. Now, O Lord my God, You have made Your servant king in place of my father David, yet I am but a little child; I do not know how to go out or come in. Your servant is in the midst of Your people which You have chosen, a great people who are too many to be numbered or counted. So give Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people to discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours?" It was pleasing in the sight of the Lord that Solomon had asked this thing. (1 Kings 3:5-10)

Gratitude (Worship) - By giving thanks to the Lord for who He is and what He has done, you actually perform a service (a good work, if you please) to God that pleases Him.

Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe ... (Heb. 12:28)

Godly Ambition - A person with godly ambition has such a heartfelt determination to bring pleasure to God that it penetrates everything he does--every thought, every decision, every word, every attitude.

Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. (2 Cor. 5:9-10)

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007) 147-163.

Humility

“Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed

to the proud, but gives grace to the humble” –1 Peter 5:5

1. Forgiveness

The Bible instructs us to forgive, “just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32). How does God forgive us? He tells us in Isaiah 43:25 and Jeremiah 31:34: “I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins,” and “I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.”…

So forgiveness is fundamentally a promise. As God promises to not hold our sins against us, so we also must promise to not hold the sins of those we’ve forgiven against them. This promise can be broken down into three parts. First, you promise to not bring up the offense to the forgiven person so as to use it against him. Second, you promise to not discuss the forgiven offense with others. Finally, you promise to not dwell on the forgiven offense yourself, but remind yourself instead that you have forgiven your offender “just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32).

2. Esteem Others Better Than Yourself

• Don’t assume that others have exactly the same evil motives as you find in your own heart (love “believes all things,” 1 Cor. 13:7), but rather put the best possible interpretation on their actions.
• Look for those virtuous qualities in others that you know you are most in need of yourself. Then seek their help in acquiring those qualities.
• Don’t assume that your time, money, energy, thoughts, and opinions are more valuable than your neighbor’s.
• When making a decision, consider not only how that decision will affect your own interests, but also how it will affect the interests of others.
• Be alert not only to your own needs, but also to the needs of others.
• Demonstrate your high estimation of others by commending them for those qualities that are biblically worthy of praise.
• Guard your heart from developing a pattern of critical, condemnatory, accusatory, judgmental thoughts about others. (Such thoughts make it very difficult, if not impossible, to esteem others better than yourself.)
• Pray for your brothers and sisters in Christ.
• Remind yourself often that God has given to you everything you have to be proud of and that He has often used others to get you where you are. Thank God and thank those whom He has used to bless you.

3. Put on the Mind of Christ

• Can you be proud while you believe that your Savior was clothed with flesh, and lived in modesty, and made himself of no reputation, and was despised and scorned and spat upon by sinners, and shamefully treated and nailed as a common criminal to a cross?
• Did Christ take upon himself the form of a servant so that you could domineer and have the highest place of honor?
• Did Christ not have a place to lay his head so that you could insist upon a home with luxurious furnishings?
• Must you brave it out in your most fantastic outfits instead of your Savior’s seamless coat?
• Did he pray for his murderers so that you could demand vengeance for petty words and wrongs?
• Did he patiently endure being spit upon and pummeled so that you could, with impatient pride, abuse others?

4. Give your reputation to God.
5. Redirect praise back to God and to those individuals to whom God has used to help you accomplish your achievements.
6. Associate with the humble.
7. Take upon yourself the form of a servant.

• Make a list of the closest people in your life (spouse, children, parents, brothers, bosses, employees, teachers, friends, working associates, or anyone else whom you have regular opportunities to serve.
• Learn how to talk in terms of what is of interest to them.
• Learn how to ask them questions with the attitude of a learner and a servant.
• Regularly pray for them and for your attitude toward them.
• Make it your goal to help them achieve their God-honoring goals.
• Look for opportunities to minister to them.
• Ask their forgiveness.

8. Make it your goal to have others formulate their opinion of you based on your Christian character.
9. Do not go fishing for compliments.
10. Avoid developing friendships with those who are prone to flattery.
11. Learn to be content with the condition and proportion that God has given to you.
12. Don’t overvalue friendships.
13. Learn how to glory in your weaknesses and glorify God for you strengths.
14. Learn to bring every people-pleasing thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
15. Look to your responsibilities and leave your reputation to God.

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007)165-216.

Store Up Your Treasures in Heaven

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matt. 6:19-21)

We are to think of heaven when facing:

trials

suffering and affliction

persecution

death

the death of a loved one

temptation

disappointments about life on earth

opportunities to show love to others

opportunities for ministry

directives from our spiritual leaders

being influenced by doctrinal error

discouragement in our Christian walk

increased affluence

spiritual apathy (opposite of diligence)

arrogant thoughts about our past accomplishments

self-exalting desires and circumstances

If you value eternal things (if you are more concerned about storing up heavenly treasures than earthly ones), it will be a relatively simple thing for you to overcome your struggle with being a people-pleaser. Not that it will be easy. It will still require much effort, considerable amounts of time, and restructuring your thoughts as you depend on the Holy Spirit for His enabling grace. (Priolo, 236)

But to the degree that you have a temporal value system (to the extent that you are more focused on enjoying earthly pleasures than heavenly ones), you will find the teachings and reproofs of this book very hard to swallow, and the practical guidelines for correction and training in righteousness very tedious indeed. If you find yourself in this latter category, let me urge you to begin your journey by confessing your sin of worldliness to God. Then ask Him to give you the grace to love Christ "with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength" (you will not be able to love God's approval more than man's approval if you don't love Him as you should), and to "set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth" (Col. 3:2). And be patient--God will probably not wean you of your love of the world overnight. It will take time, effort, and thought to refocus your spiritual eyes, but in the end it will be worth it. (Priolo, 236)

Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not To Be An Approval Junkie (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2007) 217-236.